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A recent New York Times article posed an intriguing question: “Why Are So Many People Going ‘No Contact’ with Their Parents? A growing movement wants to destigmatize severing ties. Is it a much-needed corrective or a worrisome change in family relations?”
As someone with personal experience on multiple sides of this issue—having gone no contact with my parents for nearly eight years, losing touch with my bio father and his family, and being cut off by one of my own sons—I’ve reflected deeply on what it means to sever family ties. These experiences have taught me two vital truths about family relationships: they require consistent care and nurturing, just like any other relationship like marriage, and no parent or child is perfect.
Let me state this unequivocally: there are absolutely valid reasons for going no contact. Violence, abuse, or neglect are behaviors that should never be tolerated, and protecting oneself from such harm is necessary and justified. Some actions should disqualify a parent from having a role in a child’s life, no matter the age of that child.
However, it’s important to recognize how family systems and societal expectations have changed over time, often in ways that complicate these relationships. In previous generations, families were often seen as hierarchical, with parents wielding unquestionable authority over their children. This structure was reinforced by cultural norms, religious teachings, and even laws that prioritized obedience and loyalty to family over individual well-being. Children were expected to “honor thy father and mother” regardless of the parents’ behavior, and issues like emotional neglect or verbal abuse were rarely acknowledged, let alone addressed.
Today, our understanding of healthy family dynamics has expanded significantly. There is greater emphasis on emotional safety, mutual respect, and individual autonomy within families. Parents are increasingly expected to nurture not only the physical needs of their children but also their emotional and psychological development. As this shift has occurred, behaviors once considered normal—strict discipline, lack of emotional availability, or dismissive parenting styles—are now often seen as harmful. These changes are essential for creating healthier families, but they can also create conflict when older generations feel judged by contemporary standards they were never taught to meet. In some cases, people are cut off from children and grandchildren for failures to meet current standards years or even decades ago, long before the research revealed why the behavior was problematic. Here is an example in another context of a similar change. Before the 1930s, most women gave birth at home, attended by a midwife or a doctor. This shifted to hospitals slowly over the decades. Men were prohibited from the birthing room, at home or in hospitals, until the 1970s. Now contrast that with today when birthing plans, birthing suites, and an expectation that the birthing parent's partner assist and accompany them through labor and delivery. The changes in this one part of family life has been drastic. But that does not mean that we should judge the grandfathers who never watched the birth of their own children. As a side note as a second example, women also routinely smoked a cigarette after birth, often while nursing the newborn.
Family roles have evolved with changing societal norms. In the past, families often lived near one another, sharing daily life and responsibilities, which created natural opportunities for connection and reconciliation. Modern families, however, are more geographically dispersed and less reliant on one another for survival. This distance, both physical and emotional, can make it easier to sever ties or allow relationships to fade without intervention. At the same time, the rise of therapy culture and social media has provided individuals with language and platforms to articulate their experiences, often exposing family dysfunctions that might have been hidden or ignored in previous generations.
These shifts reflect progress in how we understand and navigate family relationships, but they also highlight the challenges of bridging generational gaps. Parents and children may find themselves speaking different “emotional languages,” each shaped by the values and expectations of their time. Without intentional effort to communicate and adapt, these differences can drive families apart, even when both parties genuinely care for one another.
Shifts in How We Nurture Children
The ways we raise and nurture children have also undergone dramatic changes over time.
Consider the well-known story of two brothers who, in 1913, rode a motorcycle from Oklahoma to New York City alone. They were just 14 and 10 years old, embarking on a cross-country trek their parents fully endorsed. Remarkably, this wasn’t their first adventure. At ages 9 and 5, they traveled on horseback from Oklahoma to New Mexico. Their father, a friend of Teddy Roosevelt, believed such journeys would “toughen them up.”
Contrast that with today, when mothers in the United States have been arrested for allowing their children to walk less than a mile home from a friend's house or school, or to ride public transportation alone. This stark shift illustrates the profound change in our societal expectations about what it means to protect and nurture children.
Interestingly, the overprotectiveness now common in the U.S. is not a universal phenomenon. In many parts of the world—Europe, South America, Australia, and much of Asia—children routinely walk to school or use public transportation independently. In Japan, children as young as six are encouraged to travel to and from school alone, reflecting a cultural belief in fostering independence and resilience from an early age.
This level of freedom used to be a norm in the United States, but it has diminished over the decades. In 1969, nearly 48% of children between the ages of 5 and 14 walked or biked to school daily. By 2016, that number had dropped to less than 10%, and in some areas, it’s even lower. This shift has had far-reaching consequences, not only for physical health—fewer opportunities for children to stay active—but also for their worldview. A generation has grown up with a fundamentally different relationship to autonomy, risk, and trust in their communities.
These changes reflect broader societal trends: the spread of suburban sprawl, heightened fears about safety, and evolving ideas about what constitutes responsible parenting. While some of these shifts are understandable, they have also shaped a generation that interacts with the world in ways that would have been unimaginable just a few decades ago.
Reflecting on a Century of Family Systems
To fully understand the evolution of family systems and parenting over the last century, we must begin with the Baby Boomers (1946–1964) and the generation that raised them, the Silent Generation (1925–1942). Each generation was shaped by unique historical, economic, and cultural forces that deeply influenced how children were raised and, by extension, how family relationships were navigated.
The Silent Generation grew up during the Great Depression and came of age during World War II. Many of them experienced childhoods marked by economic hardship, where working to support their families was often a necessity rather than a choice. At the time, concepts of child development and psychology were still in their infancy, and the notion of a distinct “teenager” as a life stage did not emerge until 1944. Until then, children were viewed as such until they transitioned directly into adulthood—a shift often tied more to economic or familial needs than to age.
Corporal punishment was a cornerstone of discipline during this period, deeply rooted in societal norms and religious teachings. Verses like Proverbs 22:15, which states, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it from him,” were often used to justify physical discipline. While some laws regulating physical punishment within marriages began to shift in the mid-19th century, changes in parenting practices were slower to take hold. Even as late as the 1980s, public schools in the United States still permitted corporal punishment in some states—a practice that remains legal in certain southern states and other countries to this day. Baby Boomers, Gen X (1965–1980), and even older Millennials (1981–1996) were raised in a world where spanking and physical discipline were widely accepted as necessary for a child’s upbringing.
Today, we recognize that physical violence causes harm at all ages, particularly for children, yet the echoes of this parenting approach linger. Many people continue to argue that the challenges of the modern world stem from the abandonment of such “tough love” methods. It’s critical to acknowledge, however, that today’s parents were taught by the parents of yesterday. Adjusting to a rapidly evolving understanding of child development and healthy discipline requires time and grace for these generational shifts to take root.
These changes in parenting have also contributed to a rise in parental estrangement. Many of today’s young adults, particularly Millennials and Gen Z, were raised with an increased awareness of emotional health and personal boundaries. As these generations have matured, they’ve often reexamined their family dynamics through the lens of this understanding. Practices once seen as normal—such as physical punishment or a lack of emotional availability—may now be viewed as harmful or neglectful. This reassessment has led some individuals to create distance from parents they feel failed to meet these newer standards of care, even if the parents acted in ways deemed acceptable at the time.
Baby Boomers were the first generation to experience significant changes in education and work. For the first time, college became a widespread expectation for young adults, and childhood increasingly centered on schooling rather than contributing to the family’s labor. By the 1970s, white middle-class families saw the emergence of two working parents outside the home, a norm that had long been common in other demographics but was now shaping the expectations of a broader swath of society.
Boomers largely raised their children—Gen X’ers and older Millennials—in a “free-range” style. This was the era of latch-key kids who came home to empty houses after school, with summers and weekends spent outdoors, roaming neighborhoods and playing with friends. There were no cell phones, and parents relied on trust: boundaries were set, and children were expected to stay within them. Adults, whether neighbors or teachers, were viewed as authority figures who could discipline or correct any child who stepped out of line.
The arrival of Millennials (1981–1996) marked a turning point. Advances in technology reshaped parenting and childhood. Televisions now offered 24-hour programming, movies could be rented for home viewing, and computers and video games became common fixtures in households. By the late 1990s, cell phones and the internet transformed communication and socialization. Instead of seeking out neighborhood friends, children increasingly turned to digital platforms and online spaces for connection.
Meanwhile, the rise of 24-hour news channels amplified fears about child safety. Stories like the kidnapping and murder of Adam Walsh created a culture of heightened vigilance. The free-range childhood of previous generations gave way to structured playdates and carefully vetted friendships, as parents sought to protect their children from the dangers they saw reported daily.
Now, Gen Z (1997–2013) and Gen Alpha (2014–present) are growing up in a world that bears little resemblance to that of fifty years ago. Families today navigate unprecedented challenges, from the pervasive influence of social media to the increasing demands of modern life. These shifts have brought profound changes to how we view family, parenting, and autonomy, but they’ve also strained intergenerational relationships. Many young adults are grappling with the complexities of reconciling their upbringing with modern ideals of parenting and mental health. This reckoning has, for some, led to estrangement as they seek to protect their own emotional well-being.
Understanding parental estrangement requires us to recognize this broader historical and cultural context. It is not simply a matter of personal failure or conflict but often the result of generational shifts in values, expectations, and the very definition of what it means to be a good parent or child. Rebuilding these connections, if possible, requires empathy, self-awareness, and a willingness to bridge the divide between the parenting practices of yesterday and the relational needs of today.
Demanding Perfection in Relationships
Historically, relationships were nurtured within close-knit communities and families, where forgiveness and tolerance were essential to maintaining bonds. For example, Uncle Joe’s outdated and sexist views might have been frustrating, but they were often understood within the broader context of his life—his weekly fishing trips with you, his humor, or his kindness in times of need. People were seen as complex mixtures of good and bad, shaped by their upbringing and circumstances. This did not mean excusing harmful behavior but rather making space for growth and transformation.
In contrast, today’s cultural emphasis on self-care often includes advice to cut ties with anyone who doesn’t align with our personal values or expectations. This approach, while empowering in cases of abuse or sustained harm, can also lead to a world where relationships are severed prematurely. Parents disown children for coming out as LGBTQ+, and children cut off parents for perceived favoritism or unmet emotional expectations. This escalating trend reflects a broader shift in society, one where the parable of the Prodigal Child no longer resonates, and individuals increasingly seek relationships that affirm their worldview over familial bonds.
This growing estrangement, particularly within families, presents a profound challenge. As bell hooks writes in All About Love, “When we face pain in relationships, our first response is often to sever bonds rather than to maintain commitment.” Severing relationships often occurs after hearing only half the story—our half. In doing so, we deny others the compassion and forgiveness we hope for ourselves. hooks reminds us that retaining a sense of compassion and openness allows us to believe in the possibility of human transformation.
Without this belief, we risk losing not only our connections with others but also a piece of our shared humanity.
When we demand perfection from others, we inevitably set ourselves up to face the same expectation. Cutting people off because they fail to meet our standards of behavior or belief creates a cycle of rejection. Conversely, embracing imperfection in others and remaining open to the possibility of reconciliation fosters a sense of belonging that transcends momentary conflicts. “A generous heart is always open, always ready to receive our going and coming,” hooks writes. “Amid such love, we need never fear abandonment. This is true love’s most precious gift—the experience of knowing we always belong.”
The rise of estrangement highlights an increasingly transactional view of relationships, where connections are disposable if they no longer serve immediate needs. As hooks notes, “Relationships are treated like Dixie cups. They are disposable. If it does not work, drop it, throw it away, get another.” This mindset undermines the very foundation of committed bonds, whether in families, friendships, or marriages.
A recent article from the Newport Institute reflects the complexities of family estrangement, noting that Western culture’s extreme individualism often clashes with the ideal of the nuclear family. Estrangement, while sometimes necessary for mental health—such as in cases of abuse, neglect, or rejection of gender identity or sexual orientation—also causes profound grief, shame, and self-judgment. It can amplify existing mental health struggles for both people in the relationship.
However, not all estrangements stem from abuse or harm. Increasingly, parents who provided love, support, and affirmation find themselves rejected for reasons rooted in unmet expectations rather than neglect or abuse. These situations often involve a failure to communicate openly, particularly as children grow into adults. When young adults cut ties without giving parents the opportunity to share truths or provide context, they may act on incomplete understanding. Parents may carry stories or perspectives that would only make sense to share with adult children, but these nuances are lost when relationships are severed too soon.
When we sever family ties, we often divorce ourselves from our history and a part of our identity. While there are valid reasons for estrangement, centering only on our needs risks perpetuating a cycle of disconnection. No relationship can perfectly meet all our expectations, and by rejecting others for their imperfections, we close the door to the possibility of growth and reconciliation.
Ultimately, we are all imperfect beings doing our best within the constraints of our lives and times. Healing fractured relationships requires a willingness to hear the whole story—not just our version—and to allow space for transformation. Relationships cannot thrive without forgiveness, understanding, and the belief that love is more than a feeling; it is an action. Rebuilding bonds is rarely easy, but it is through this effort that we rediscover the strength of unconditional love and belonging.
Conclusion
In a world where relationships are increasingly judged against the backdrop of individual expectations and societal shifts, we find ourselves at a crossroads. Estrangement, whether between parent and child, siblings, or extended family, is more prevalent than ever. While there are undeniably valid reasons to sever ties—abuse, neglect, or sustained harm—many of today’s fractures stem from unmet expectations, misunderstood actions, or the inability to reconcile differing perspectives. They happen in families with unresolved trauma and hurt, but estrangement is rapidly increasing in families that simply quit talking or fighting to resolve small hurts and conflicts.
As bell hooks reminds us, true love requires generosity, compassion, and the willingness to embrace imperfection. To heal the divisions within our families, we must resist the urge to retreat into isolation or demand conformity to our views. Instead, we can approach relationships with open hearts, grounded in a belief in transformation and mutual understanding.
Rebuilding broken connections takes courage, patience, and effort. It involves listening to the stories of others with the same openness with which we hope they will hear our own. It means acknowledging that relationships, like people, are flawed and require care, forgiveness, and a commitment to weather the storms.
If we hope to heal the greater divides in our society, we must first begin within our own homes. Family bonds are the foundation of our understanding of community and belonging. By striving to reconnect, forgive, and nurture those ties, we can create spaces where unconditional love is not just an ideal but a lived reality. In doing so, we not only repair what has been broken but also reclaim the power of connection to shape a more compassionate world for future generations. Here are some action steps based on the work of therapists specializing in family systems and healing.
Action Steps to Move Beyond Estrangement or Heal From It
Reflect on the Cause of Estrangement: Start by looking inward. Identify the specific moments or patterns that led to the estrangement. Was it a singular event, ongoing conflict, or an accumulation of misunderstandings? Reflect on what triggered the separation and consider whether the reasons were rooted in unmet needs, differing values, unspoken expectations, or harmful behavior. Writing down your thoughts in a journal or working with a therapist can help you gain insight into your own emotions and motives.
Tip: Ask yourself: “What am I hoping to gain from reconciliation?” Understanding your desires can help guide your actions and frame your conversations.
Caution: This can be a difficult step if the estrangement happened through ghosting, either before or after an airing of complaints - especially if the complaints do not align with your own recollection.
Acknowledge Your Role: Even if you feel the other person is largely responsible for the rift, it’s important to examine your own actions or inactions. Did you unintentionally hurt them? Were there moments when you avoided addressing issues, dismissed their feelings, or escalated conflicts? Taking responsibility for your role—no matter how small—shows humility and a willingness to grow, which can be crucial in opening the door to reconciliation.
Tip: Prepare to say, “I’m sorry for…” without defending or justifying your actions. A genuine apology acknowledges the hurt caused without adding qualifiers. If they ghost you without offering you this opportunity to apologize or take responsibility for your role, it is important to seek a therapist or counselor who can guide you through resolution in the absence of the other person. As painful as the estrangement might be, it is not the full reflection of your value and worth as a person. We all can learn and grow.
Communicate With Empathy and Intention: Reaching out to someone after a period of estrangement can be daunting. When you do, choose a time when emotions are calm, and use language that prioritizes understanding over blame. Avoid dredging up every past grievance; instead, express your desire to reconnect and your willingness to listen.
For example:
“I miss you and our relationship, and I’d like to better understand how we got here.”
“I know I’ve made mistakes, and I want to learn how we can move forward together.”
Tip: Focus on “I” statements (e.g., “I feel,” “I hope”) to take ownership of your feelings rather than assigning blame. If they do not respond, you can decide to either keep trying, or to let the relationship go, heal, and build stronger bonds with others having learned through the experience. Think of it like a second marriage after a rough divorce. Things are not fully as you wished, but a happy and fulfilled life is still possible.
Seek Professional Support: Family estrangement often involves deep-seated pain and unresolved trauma, no matter which side you are on. A licensed therapist, family counselor, or mediator can help facilitate constructive conversations and create a safe environment for both parties to express their feelings. Professional support can also provide tools for navigating sensitive topics and rebuilding trust.
Tip: If the other person isn’t ready to meet with a therapist, attending sessions individually can still provide valuable insights and coping strategies, and it can help you heal if the relationship is never restored.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Reconciliation doesn’t mean returning to the same dynamics that caused harm. Clearly define what behaviors you can and cannot tolerate moving forward. Healthy boundaries protect your well-being while fostering mutual respect. For instance, if past arguments often became heated, you might agree to take breaks during discussions if emotions run high. Both people in the relationship were impacted by the estrangement, so both should have worked through concerns and issues either together or apart, which means boundaries are healthy to establish even if you were the one who became estranged against your desire.
Tip: Practice articulating boundaries respectfully: “I value our relationship, but I need us to avoid [specific behavior] to make this work.”
Be Patient and Accept the Timeline: Rebuilding trust takes time, and both parties may need space to process their emotions and navigate the path forward. Understand that healing doesn’t follow a linear timeline, and setbacks are normal. It’s okay if progress feels slow—what matters is the consistency and sincerity of your efforts.
Tip: Celebrate small milestones, like a kind text or a shared laugh, as signs of progress.
Practice Self-Compassion: Whether reconciliation is successful or not, treat yourself with kindness. Estrangement can bring up feelings of guilt, regret, or sadness. Acknowledge your pain without judgment and remind yourself that relationships are complex and often beyond your sole control. Understand that even if you deeply love the other person, even if your heart breaks at the idea of never getting to hug your child again, their rejection of your relationship is not the sole determination of your value. Learn to accept your imperfections and love yourself in spite of them.
Tip: Develop affirmations or mantras to ground yourself, such as, “I am doing my best to heal and grow.” And find things that you enjoy to fill times that might be tougher like holidays.
Stay Open to Transformation in Others and Yourself: People are capable of change, but transformation takes time and effort. Staying open to the possibility that the other person can grow, evolve, or learn from past mistakes allows for hope and prevents you from closing the door prematurely. Similarly, be willing to examine and transform your own perspectives and behaviors to foster growth.
Tip: Approach the situation with curiosity: “How have they grown? How have I?” Then, if previous efforts to reconnect have failed, decide if your transformation and growth would be negatively or positively affected by the restoration of the relationship.
If you Decide to Try to Reconnect, Focus on Small, Consistent Actions: Grand gestures can feel overwhelming, and they aren’t always necessary. Start with small, consistent acts of kindness or connection. Send a thoughtful message, share a memory, or invite them to coffee. Small steps show you’re invested in rebuilding trust without pressuring the other person. Remember birthdays with a heartfelt card or note.
Tip: Avoid putting conditions on your gestures. Kindness given freely builds goodwill more effectively than kindness given with expectations.
Build Supportive Relationships Elsewhere: If reconciliation isn’t possible—or even if it is—nurture other relationships that bring you joy and fulfillment. Friendships, community groups, and chosen family can provide a strong sense of belonging and remind you that love and connection come in many forms.
Tip: Volunteer, join interest-based groups, or reconnect with old friends to expand your support network.
Understand That Healing May Not Include Reconnection: Sometimes, reconciliation isn’t possible, or the relationship may remain distant despite efforts. In these cases, healing means finding peace within yourself. Letting go of anger or resentment, even without an apology or resolution, can free you to move forward.
Tip: Write a letter to the person expressing your feelings, even if you don’t send it. The act of writing can help you process and release pent-up emotions. If you are seeing a therapist (and I hope you are), read the letter to them. Whatever it takes, process the emotions.
Embrace Forgiveness, Even If It’s Just for You: Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior, but it does mean releasing yourself from the burden of carrying anger or resentment. Forgiving others—or yourself—can be a powerful step toward emotional freedom and inner peace.
Tip: Reflect on how forgiveness can benefit you, even if the other person never changes or acknowledges their role.
Cultivate Gratitude for the Positive: Even in strained relationships, there are often moments of love, kindness, or joy in either the present or the past. Reflecting on those memories can help you approach the relationship with a softer heart and a greater willingness to heal. Learning to be kind to yourself can open a door to realizing that not all relationships are destined to last a lifetime. Sometimes we outgrow each other. Sometimes we grow back together later, but even if not we can commit to never let the ending of a relationship or an estrangement be the full benediction on the value of the person or the relationship in your life.
Tip: Keep a gratitude journal where you record positive memories or qualities about the other person that you appreciate.
By taking these steps, you can begin to heal from the pain of estrangement of fractured relationships. Reconciliation may not always be possible, but by approaching the process with patience, compassion, and a willingness to grow, you create space for your own healing—and you open the door to a future with better relationships. In the end, healing from estrangement is not just about reconnecting with others; it’s about reconnecting with your own capacity for love, forgiveness, and transformation.
[i] https://www.indianmotorcycle.media/be-legendary-the-abernathy-brothers-rode-from-oklahoma-to-new-york-on-an-indian-motorcycle-aged-14-and-10-years-old-112392/
[ii] hooks, bell, 1952-2021. All about Love: New Visions. New York: William Morrow, 2000.